Writing 101: strong female characters

8th Sep 2026 JBLeave a comment

In the year of our lord 2026, we are still struggling to write strong female characters.

And no, I don’t mean the ‘do you even lift’ type of strong.

I feel like I need to put several disclaimers in place before I get into it: this is all MY OPINION. I’m not the storytelling police. And, I hate the word ‘females’ because of how it’s being used at the moment, but I’m just using here in the same way I would write ‘male’ characters or ‘non-binary’ characters. It’s not to dehumanise, just to make sweeping generalisations, I promise! Ok. Let’s begin.

I’ve been on a movie binge after watching Disney’s Cruella and quite enjoying it. I ended watching Labyrinth, Legend, then Willow, the other day (because I am a full time student, and therefore a parasite on society right now) and it struck me that nearly all the women in these films had an agency that didn’t feel forced or marketed to me, even though they’re all pretty darn old (not Cruella, I mean the others). Granted, princess Lily isn’t a fighter in Legend, and I’m not sure it passes the Bechdel test, but Lily is a character of great inner strength and integrity. She makes a mistake in touching the unicorn, but goes out of her way to make it right, ultimately risking her life to save its mate. She could fit the damsel role, but she acts with agency, making her an active player in the story.

In Willow, the villain is a sorceress who wants to keep her power, whilst her daughter is a renowned warrior and commander (and she kicks Val Kilmer in the face; a true enemies to lovers moment). The midwife uses her status to sneak the baby out of the castle, ultimately sacrificing herself to protect it. Fin Raziel, the powerful sorceress, and effective strategist and leader, is an old woman. An actual old woman! No yassification either, just old, frail, and infinitely powerful. The women in these movies are kind, mean, strong, good, and evil, without needing to announce it. They just are.

Heck, even the baby princess in Willow seems to have agency. Whilst there is a distinct lack of racial diversity in these films (not taking into account the actors with dwarfism, whose village seemed more diverse than the rest of the cast), the representation of white women at least was there. Take the wins where you can, I guess.

Anyway, it made me think about what it means to write a strong female character.

What makes a strong female character?

So, I did some research. And, like all reasonable human beings who want well considered answers to a question and civilised discourse, I went to Reddit.

Actually, it didn’t disappoint. I know, right?

Most answers I found had similar points: well written women are fully fleshed out human beings with flaws, agency, and contribute significantly to the stories they exist within. Poorly written female characters are one-dimensional stereotypes obsessed with their looks/relationship status, or obnoxious ‘girl boss pick-mes’ who have to hammer the message in that they’re powerful, tough, and ‘not like the other girls’.

*The elephant in the room – not that I’m calling Brie Larson an elephant.*

As an aside, I’m not gonna talk much about Rei, Captain Marvel or She Hulk, and how they girl-bossed/Mary-sue’d too close to the sun or whatever. One side says that anyone hating on them is just a misogynistic incel. The other side claims they were genuinely bad, and that if a studio has to scream from the rooftops that the characters are strong, they probably aren’t. The third side, the metaphorical pigeons shitting on the chessboard, are the actual incels, who see a woman (and God forbid a woman of colour) playing a lead role and velociraptor scream into reddit about how feminists are ruining everything.

I will never forgive the Star Wars fandom for cancelling Acolyte.

Obviously I enjoyed it for the plot…

Besides being blessed by plenty of absolute bangers in the movie world (Alien, Terminator 1 & 2, Jackie Brown, Silence of the Lambs, Amelie, Zero Dark Thirty, Rogue One, Arrival, Mad Max Fury Road, Furiosa, Ready or Not, Chocolate (the martial arts movie), Everything everywhere all at once, almost anything ever made by Miyazaki…), I’ve noticed that I’m finding it harder to resonate with, relate to, or even like on a base human level, a lot of recent lead female characters. Maybe it stems from a need to pull women away from being palatable for the male gaze (think Miley Cyrus shedding the ‘Hannah Montana’ vibe). Maybe it’s because of late stage capitalism reducing everything to easily digestible ‘tropes’ to sell merch.

Maybe it’s a deliberate attempt to make us hate female-lead movies, because coked-up movie execs are spending more time on red-pill tiktok. Damnit, you dumb bitches, why are you not mindlessly absorbing the regurgitated dog shit we feed you? Gaaawd!!!

I am comparing things (possibly unfairly) to the golden age that I was raised in, the 90s. We had some pretty awesome movie, TV, and video game role models. Some real ‘girl bosses’, as the youth might say. We literally grew up with the term ‘girl power’. But, were 90s female characters strong? Were they actually strong, nuanced characters, or just some dudes muscle mommy fetish? Take Lara Croft for example. She is the pinnacle of ‘strong female character’, surely? But, is she well written? Nuanced? Does she need to be? Sure, Lara kicks arse, takes names, and represents true English culture: Stealing shit that rightfully belongs to ancient civilisations from other countries.

That said, she’s arguably only as iconic as she is because of her, ahem, assets. She exists because a game developer had a crush on Neneh Cherry, and the rest is history.

And I grew up watching my parents movies, so really, a lot of the icons I watched as a kid were from the 70s and 80s. I literally mentioned Legend and Willow at the start of the blog. My 90s icons were the Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, the Spice Girls. Was it really a golden age, or am I just being nostalgic?

I’m not saying the bulk of the media of that era was as enlightened as many films and books are now. There were still many problems, many moments of needing a man to come to the rescue, female characters obsessed with romance, or reduced to support roles or accessories to the male MCs. However, I can’t help but feel like we’re going backwards. K-pop demon hunters has restored my faith a little bit, but the Honmun isn’t sealed just yet.

So, what’s the problem?

I think we all know exactly what the problem is.

Joking! I will fight for my girl Sakura

Poorly written women is the problem. And it’s not just the menfolk committing this sin. Heck, I don’t know if I’m even qualified to talk about this. Can I even write a strong female character? And what’s the solution here, just write every woman like a man, then just change the pronouns?

YES, I KNOW IT WORKED FOR RIPLEY.

The Hero’s Journey

There is more than one type of strength. Like I said in the intro, when I talk about strong female characters, I mean to say strength of character. Strength of writing. Female characters who contribute effectively to the narrative, who make the story more fulfilling without just being a love interest or making her strength a gimmick, or making her the author’s self-insert special special super chosen one with new added lightning powers. Characters who don’t just experience the plot, but drive it.

*The greatest water bender in history. Fight me.*

Too many writers are confusing the word ‘strong’ for ‘phenomenal cosmic power, perfect in every way’ Mary-sues who are completely unrelatable and unlikeable. The problem with a lot of the ‘girl boss’ characters we’re all tiring of, is that none of their strength feels earned. The writing is lazy, with one-dimensional tropes that seem to think strength equals “overly sarcastic comment and I can lift more weight than you.”

There is no ‘hero’s journey’ to speak of. No struggle, no character development, no nuance or mistakes or growth. Just ‘I’m a boss bitch and no one can question it!’

Some writers, in an attempt to make nuanced characters with flaws, lean far too heavily into it, becoming mean-spirited bullies, or allow the audience to experience what really should only be shared in a therapist’s office…

I’ve read novels, popular ones, with female MCs so unlikeable, dull, incompetent, and deliberately naïve – or straight up horrible – that I wanted to bash my head against a rock. Romantasy trends are particularly guilty for this. Yes. I said it. And I read all those fae romance books. I’ve read novels with female MCs who are supposed to be gifted tacticians, with advanced military knowledge, who are supposedly so smart and special (and did I mention lightning powers?), but, somehow, it’s just the writer telling me, begging me to believe it instead of actually having the character demonstrate it. It shows the writer doesn’t actually care about anything but their MC banging the tall, handsome man (who’s also an unlikeable douche, by the way).

Oh, and, while I’m at it, dark romance can catch strays too. Because what do you mean, you’re just letting this guy break into your apartment, that you don’t audibly gag when he calls you ‘little mouse’? What do you mean, he’s controlling, and surly, and growls and sheds on the carpet? That’s not your man, bestie, that’s a cat.

Surely all that is enough to give anyone the ick. Could you imagine Ellen Ripley tolerating this bullshit? Hell, could you imagine a Disney princess tolerating this bullshit? I think not.

I long for female protagonists who make sensible decisions, such as calling the police and changing the locks, or is at least an active participant in their apparent ‘romance’. If Christian Grey lived in a trailer park and worked at a gas station, it wouldn’t be romantic, it would be an episode of criminal minds. Sure, ok, I shouldn’t yuk anyone’s yum (I did say at the beginning of this post that I’m not the story telling police, after all). And, these authors must be doing something right, because, well, people seem to love it. And this is just one genre. Romance isn’t new. Problematic handsome men aren’t new. It’s just gotten more coverage with social media now.

Not all hope is lost. To balance things out, a lot of the books I’ve read over the years do have narratively strong female leads – Children of Blood and Bone is a great recent example of this. Amari is so gentle compared to Zélie, but when she finally has to, she fights. And she’s a capable fighter. Zelie isn’t a soft, easy going character, but she stands up for what’s right, and she can be kind when she needs to be.

Another example is Parable of the Sower by Octavia E Butler. Main character Lauren is nuanced, flawed, full of fear and self doubt, but she’s a survivor, leader, and teacher.

*This is us in like, ten years by the way guys. Probably should do something about that.*

So, not all is lost.

Let’s end this long, long rant, then. What advice can I give writers here? That’s assuming I can even write a strong female character. I can only tell you what I think makes for a good story telling experience, that feels authentic and nuanced.

So, here goes:

1) Give her agency. Is she making decisions? Mistakes? Actively participating? Is the plot happening to her, or is she driving it?

2) Fully flesh out her story. What are her fears, goals, ambitions? Does she have a life outside the situation? Does she have friends? If so, who?

3) Consider the Hero’s Journey. Is her power earned, or just assumed? And I don’t mean she has to really suffer to earn her place as the hero/villain (poor Korra), but what is the journey she goes through to become one? What does she learn as a result? Power that is earned feels more genuine than just vicariously living out your own power fantasy.

4) The strength of the hero is reflected in their antagonist. Give her something, or someone, to overcome that actually has meaning for her. It doesn’t have to be world ending, just relatable and relevant. It could literally be some jerk at her office – I’ve seen some great things with simple plot ideas and low stakes.

5) Remember what it means to be narratively ‘strong’. It’s more than physical. She can be strong in so many ways beyond being able to fight. Does she have integrity? Wit or cunning?

6) Avoid self-insert power fantasies at the cost of storytelling. A self-insert is fine, providing the exploration of the character goes beyond surface level. Try to keep in mind what you want to achieve in the writing. Is it catharsis? Is it for fun? Remember the ‘why’ of you’re writing.

So, what do you think makes a strong female character?

Image shows baby drooling at a burger, but the burger is a thesaurus in a bun

Opinion: Ima need you to stop eating thesauruses

17th Sep 2025 JBLeave a comment

One of the biggest mistakes new writers make, and how to avoid it.

I’m going to hold your hand when I say this (so you know I’m saying it with love) but STAAAHP eating thesauruses and puking them out onto paper. Stop it.

And before you get mad and start typing up those incredibly eloquent responses… calm down. This is to help you. And if you don’t want it, you don’t have to take it. We respect everyone’s boundaries here.

As a beta and arc reader I am sent books from authors wanting my opinion (some just want praise, but TOO BAD, I’m a prick), and over the last couple of years or so, I’m starting to see a pattern. Not a good one. With the recent rise and success of self-publishing (the success part mostly being uncle Jeff’s profit margins), anyone and their mums can write and publish a book with not too much effort (and with gen ai, you don’t even need to type. What a world we live in). This, in my opinion, is a good thing. Not the ai part. The freedom to self-publish part. Creativity should not be gate-kept, and I’ll stand by that statement, even if I also believe that some things should remain as inside thoughts or kept on AO3.

We don’t tell artists that they’re not artists just because their work isn’t in a physical gallery, so why do we keep shoving the mentality down everyone’s throats that you’re only an author if a traditional publishing house bought the rights to your book? Just look at furry smut artists. I know those guys are making bank. They’re still artists. Even if you don’t like it.

The downside, is that with the lowering of the gates comes a tide. Just as furry smut artists are still artists, any mediocre white dude who wants to jizz up a wall can call it art if he’s bold enough, and unfortunately I know a few circles who would eat that shit up. Not literally. Actually… Let’s not think about that.

Anyone can publish whatever they spew onto a page and call it a book. This is the cost of freedom, people. It’s a wild west out there. I’m not going discuss the quality of trad publishing taking a dive because yay capitalism, yay gen ai stealing our editing jobs, or say without a doubt that all self published books are terrible.

They’re not. Mine exists.

Let’s get back to the problem. Much like a weary teacher of gen alpha students, my advice to authors seems to be increasingly falling on deaf ears (if I don’t get messages hurling abuse at me). How dare I question their genius. They’ve done their ten thousand hours, damnit, so what do I know – I’m just a filthy, lowly reader. All that time I spent studying English Language & Literature at college means NOTHING.

The Problem

Short story for context: I recently received an arc of a book from an American writer who’d based their story in 20th century England. Admittedly I am a little more lenient with people who don’t live here, as they might have an idea of the UK that’s purely media informed, and therefore not accurate. It’s not actually Bridgerton over here, chaps. Even with that in mind, from the first page I was horrified. The main character spoke in such a strange, formal manner that I was immediately pulled out of the story. Side characters were also just as formal, using words that no one in their right mind would use unless they were giving an academic talk on the creation and development of the thesaurus.

“But I’m writing from another time!” – Sir, you are writing from the 90s.

We don’t talk like that. Nobody talks like that. We haven’t spoken like that since the Victorian era (arguably we didn’t speak like that in the Victorian era either), and unless your book is a historical drama akin to Jane Eyre, I do not want to see the Queen’s English appear on the page (Yes I know we have a King now, I don’t care).

You know why Colleen Hoover books sell so well? Because they use informal, every day language, and the masses relate to them. I’m not sure what that says about the masses, but there we go. And you know what? I enjoyed Verity, actually. There. I said it. I’m only using Hoover as a mainstream example here because A) her name is instantly recognisable and B) her writing style is very easy on the ol’ eyes. Of course, there are many authors who use poetic, achingly beautiful prose who are masters of their craft and bestselling authors. Brandon Sanderson is now a household name for fantasy writing, and I don’t have to pause every 30 minutes to look up a word that I’ve never seen before.

The point is that most of us plebs who read for entertainment don’t want to feel like we’re being beaten around the head by a thesaurus, and your job as a writer is to communicate clearly and effectively.

Anyway.

One of the biggest, hugest mistakes I see made by newer writers (I’ve also been guilty of it in my youth) is the use of overly formal language, with as many big words thrown in as humanly possible. Quite often it’s done to make the author appear more intelligent. I’m not sure where this behaviour stems from, perhaps from a fear of the writing coming across as YA (the horror), or maybe it’s to appease pseudo-intellectualist elitists who like to shit on any genre that isn’t the ‘modern classics’. Yes, yes, we’ve all read Animal Farm.

You don’t get brownie points for suffering, and you don’t get brownie points for weaponizing language. Not to sound like a very uncool school teacher, but it’s not big or clever. It just makes you look like this dude.

It’s like that one guy who works in a vinyl music shop, who hates anything popular regardless of whether or not it’s actually good. He’s the kind of guy who hates on K-pop Demon Hunters just because everyone else loves it. Or the “I’m not like other girls” girl who pretends to enjoy what she thinks is ‘high intellect hobbies’ for male validation because she has no sense of self, and would absolutely steal your man if she could. There is no greater anime villain. Besides Griffith, maybe.

So how do I avoid it?

Step 1: as with many things in life, the first step is to admit there’s a problem. Most newer writers who are very excited about their precious baby, do not want to hear bad things about it. Any form of criticism can feel like a personal attack, often because a certain amount of vulnerability comes with any creative output. I get it. I’m very sensitive about sharing my drawings, or my poetry in fear that someone will call it shit. But that’s the thing. I’m not trying to sell my poems or drawings to an audience. Those are mine. They are art, and can’t be judged unless I make them a product or offer them to the world.

Your novel that you want to sell to people, is a product. Like it or not. And you can absolutely say “well if they don’t like it they don’t have to buy it” and that’s fine… but you need to also be prepared emotionally when people don’t recognise you as the next Shakespeare and write reviews that reflect their customer experience.

Step 2: touch grass. I mean it. Go outside, sit in a park somewhere, or a bus, or a café, and just listen to people talking. Actually listen to how they talk. How people use slang depending where they are. How people out in the wild don’t adhere to hierarchy in the same way they would in a commercial or professional setting. How they talk to their children versus another adult. Does the server use a customer service voice then switch it up when talking to their co-worker? How do lovers talk to each other?

Most people have a limited vocabulary, especially in every day settings. I’m not going to say mastication when I mean eating. Think about how you talk to people on a daily basis. You need to converse. Or at least, consume enough examples of conversation to understand how it works. Most people can do this naturally (I say most – neurodivergent people may need to practice more than someone who is neurotypical).

Just as you wouldn’t want to be using gen Z slang in a historical drama (unless you’re deliberately subverting the genre, then by all means, go off, queen), you don’t want the Queen’s English featuring heavily in a modern, ordinary people setting.

While I’m at it – generations also speak differently and I see this happening with a lot of Gen X or Boomer writers who keep using their slang/speech for characters much younger than them. Heck, I even see it with Millennial writers.

Step 3: Really consider the type of media you are ingesting on a regular basis and understand the tropes/beats/prose that comes with it. If you want to write a gothic thriller, but you only read cosy romance, you’re going to have to consider what tropes are expected and acceptable in each genre, especially when it comes to prose. That’s not to say you can’t mix it up, but you have to understand the rules first in order to break them effectively.

What makes the Godfather so beloved? Why is Heat such a great freaking movie? Why is Bridesmaids so funny that one might pee a little every time they watch it? Why do we all love Chit??? Because of the way language is used to convey character and tone. If you want to write realistic, nuanced human beings who think and feel and get into hilarious shenanigans, you need it to reflect in the character’s voice and in the language you use.

A main character who speaks in nothing but riddles isn’t (typically) going to hook your readers.

Obviously I sent my feedback to the author and in the politest way I could suggested they consider a little more re-writing and editing before publishing, but I doubt they will. I always want to say to these authors to work on their craft first, then start looking at book publishing, but I can’t tell people how to live their lives. I can’t police someone’s creative journey (and rightfully so). I can only give my humble opinion on what I think is ‘good’ and even that’s going to look different to someone else. Who do I think I am, a literary agent???

Hopefully one day this author will naturally learn to move away from the stiff, overly formal writing that screams of a thesaurus being tortured for state secrets. Maybe one day I’ll stop being so judgy. One day.

TLDR: if you’re a new writer, try not to get bogged down in using big, fancy words and steer more towards natural dialogue. Study people in their natural settings and try using this as a reference for natural conversation and use of language. Consider what genres of media you consume and try to apply it to what you write.

What are your thoughts on this? Is it a worsening problem or am I just in a bubble? Am I the boomer in this situation, shaking my stick at the kids like an old man, accusing them of ruining writing with their tiktoks and their dark romance? Or is this just another rite of passage for new writers, that we all have to get through this phase before we learn better? Let me know!

Writing 101: Sweet Revenge

7th Jul 2025 JBLeave a comment

There’s just something so satisfying about a good revenge story…

We’ve all been there. Someone wronged you, and all you’re left with is the empty, soul sucking feeling of injustice, and a pain somewhere deep inside your epigastrium that just doesn’t seem to go away no matter how much whiskey you consume. It’s a feeling many of us are familiar with. Heck, I’ve seen my fair share of betrayal over my short time on this planet. I’ve gained enemies in the spaces left by people I thought were friends. Some asshole even stole my writing once. I know, right? The gallows aren’t good enough for them.

Anyway.

Somewhere in the pain, somewhere deep in the shadows of our psyche, is a burning desire for revenge. The fantasy plays itself out in our darkest moments. Maybe you get to give them a right telling off in front of everyone you know, or openly shame them on social media with tons of evidence backing up your claim, and they can’t argue with any of it so they delete their profiles, and literally run away from you at a convention when you confront them in person about it. Maybe they even lose their publishing deal over it… One can dream.

Maybe the crime is something more heinous than art thievery. Maybe they did something much worse. Maybe they really, actually hurt you, physically and mentally. Maybe they hurt someone you care about. And despite what my therapist tells me about it “saying more about them than it does about me”, and that sometimes people are assholes, and we need to let it go and not let the fact that they stole our writing then posted it back into the writers group as their own, poison us, hatred is like holding a hot coal, etc etc etc… frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. This hot coal is one that was forced onto me, and I won’t feel satisfaction until I crush it.

And yes, getting justice can be great n’ all, but sometimes, justice just isn’t enough. It’s not enough to mourn your dead dog and move on. It’s not enough to see your wife’s murderer go to prison. It’s not enough to avenge your ruined wedding day and the taking of your unborn child. It’s not enough to tell your close circle of friends about the art thief and have them console you. No. Sometimes, you need to see the asshole who wronged you get exactly what they deserve.

What’s that? We should forgive them?

Bah. Forgiveness? Forgiveness is for God, and we’re not him.

What is best in life?

Simply forgiving and moving on doesn’t exactly make for an exciting story.

We love revenge stories (well, I do. I don’t know about you, personally). Just check out this top 10 list of revenge novels from the Guardian. And movies (arguably my favourite form of media) about revenge give us all a taste of that sweet, sweet catharsis we desperately need, without actually resorting to violence. An eye for an eye leaves the world blind, and all that. Revenge fantasies help us cope with the wrongdoing, especially when for many of us, there is no satisfying outcome, no justice.

Just ask anyone who’s suffered at the hands of a violent partner, or is the victim of sexual assault. Too often the authorities are either indifferent, incompetent, or powerless to help due to lack of evidence. What then? In the real world, we have to learn to live with it. Some of us go to therapy. Some of us meditate, or practice radical forgiveness. Some of us drink or take recreational drugs, or descend into the depths of depression. For some, revenge is living well and overcoming their encounter (arguably healthier than some of the other options).

But, when we get to see a protagonist take vengeance in media, there is something deeply satisfying about it. Like I said earlier, there is a side of us that yearns for retribution.

What makes a sweet revenge plot?

So what makes a revenge plot so satisfying? There’s some common elements that, in my humble opinion, work very well. And I’m not talking about poignant, bitter-sweet revenge stories, where ‘an eye for an eye’ is the outcome. This is catharsis, not critical thinking damnit. I’m not saying poignant, thoughtful revenge stories aren’t good by the way; they are. But, sweet-sweet revenge isn’t a gourmet meal from a Michelin star restaurant. It’s twice-fried chicken from your nan’s house after eating nothing but salad for 2 weeks.

1) The protagonist suffers enough that their revenge, in whatever measure, can be fully supported by the audience.
2) The protagonist has been clearly wronged – the victim of infidelity, robbery or worse, someone kicked their cat etc etc… And, if the protagonist is avenging someone, the victim in this scenario is an innocent (such as a child, puppy etc).
3) There’s a moment where the audience thinks the protagonist might not succeed – tension adds drama and invokes powerful emotions.
4) There’s a ‘gotcha’ moment – gotcha moments could be as simple as the nerdy girl having a full ‘glow up’ and really sticking it to her high school bullies. Or, it could be the moment the villain whips off their mask and boasts about kicking the protagonists cat/puppy/baby.
5) The villain is a shit-eating douche. Like, we HATE what they did to the protagonist (and/or their loved ones), and we can’t wait to see them get exactly what’s coming to them.
6) The protagonist goes through hell to reach their destination/goal.
7) The ending is satisfying and the justice poetic. Like, jump out of my seat and fist-bump the air level of satisfying.

Let’s have a look at some sweet, sweet revenge moments, shall we?

Disclaimer: I’m not saying these are the best moments of revenge of all time, they’re some that I particularly enjoy. Also, if it wasn’t obvious already: spoiler alert.

1) The Princess Bride: “Hi! My name is…”

The moment Inigo Montoya finally gets to slay the man who murdered his father, thus avenging him. The battle is tense, with Inigo repeating the phrase “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Just before striking the killing blow, he utters “I want my father back you son of a bitch.” It is iconic, and every bit as satisfying as finding a £20 note in your coat pocket. But, with his revenge also comes freedom. He’s dedicated his life to avenging his father, and now he is finally free to be his own man, to pursue his own interests.

2) Kill Bill 1: Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids

There are many satisfying moments in the Kill Bill movies, with the first films entire run through dedicated to Kiddo’s intense fight with Yakuza boss O’ren Ishii’s army, the ‘Crazy 88s’ in what I can only describe as a fierce love letter to old school Japanese martial arts movies. The film ends in a visually stunning fight scene, with protagonist Beatrix Kiddo finally taking down Ishii. The scene is so tense that even though Kiddo’s the main character, there’s a part of you that thinks “hang on, she might not make it!”

3) Kill Bill Volume 2: “Bitch, you don’t have a future.”

Since it’s one of my favourite movies of all time and the entire story is literally about a woman’s revenge, there are obviously many great moments in the plot. The most satisfying for me isn’t the moment Kiddo finally kills Bill. It’s when Kiddo utters the iconic line “bitch, you don’t have a future”, before plucking out the eyeball of rival assassin, and killer of her mentor Pai Mai, Elle Driver.

4) “That f*cking nobody is John Wick.”

There’s just something so righteous about taking down the scumbag who stole your car and killed your dog, especially when said scumbag is a feckless, spoiled man-child who thinks daddy will protect him from everything. The entire nightclub scene is extremely good watching for any action movie aficionado, but there’s something so unsettling and satisfying about seeing a man gut punch his own son and tell him that the boogey-man is real, and “you will do nothing, because you can do nothing.” John Wick hasn’t even begun his revenge yet, and they’re already terrified.

5) Jackie Brown: The ol’ switcheroo

Another one of my all time favourite movies, with another case of getting sweet, sweet revenge. Jackie (portrayed by the incredible Pam Grier) is disrespected, sexualised, and mistreated by almost every man she encounters in this film. And even in the direction, she isn’t portrayed as a badass. She’s just an ordinary flight attendant who smuggles drug money. And she’s scared. She’s scared of getting older, of having nothing to show for her years of hard work. She’s tearful, hesitant, and she’s made mistakes. She’s utterly human in every scene. And she outsmarts everyone. With a slick music score and a masterclass in dramatic irony with multiple POVs showing the bag switch, the audience knows exactly what’s going on, and you’re cheering for her as she drives away, free as a bird.

6) Logan: little nightmares

Raising kids can be a nightmare, especially when they’re kids with mutant superpowers… and they’re hellbent on escaping your secret government lab. The most satisfying moment in Logan is watching the children fight back against their captors in glorious, visceral detail.

7) Leon the professional: A gift from Matilda

Another one of my all time favourites. As Leon (played by Jean Reno) lays dying after a gruelling battle to save 12 year old orphan Matilda from a full on assault from corrupt cops, he hands villainous detective Stansfield (played by Gary Oldman) something, whispering, “this is from Matilda”. By the time Stansfield has figured out that it’s a grenade pin, he’s blown to smithereens, and the audience knows that Matilda is finally safe.

8) Full Metal Alchemist: A roast to Envy

Roy Mustang, manliest of all men btw, is having the stomach rumblies that only homunculus hands can satisfy – and if you get that reference, congratulations, you’re old! And wouldn’t you know it, Envy just happens to be there, and just happens to be the homunculus who killed Maes Hughes. What can only be described as a cremation ensues. And it is satisfying.

9) Tokyo Ghoul: All this for one lousy date?

Our sweet boy 17 year old Ken Kaneki just cannot catch a break in the brutal and depressing anime that is Tokyo Ghoul. The series starts with him just discovering that he’s a ghoul after a freak accident leads to his blood becoming mixed with his date Rize. What follows is an absolute pile on from hungry ghouls and human ghoul hunters alike. Just when you think Kaneki’s suffering is over, he’s kidnapped and brutally tortured by Ghoul Jason (and these scenes actually made me feel ill). Much in the way that Ned Flanders had to endure the friendship of Homer Simpson, eventually, Kaneki snaps. Leaving the sweet innocence of his youth behind, he embraces the “kill or be killed” mantra, and goes fully feral on his torturer.

10) Blue Eye Samurai: don’t run afoul of Mizu

The entirety of Blue-eye samurai is a shout out to the great classic Ronin/samurai revenge movies – and I could have put them here just on the basis of them being the classics, but this is my list and I get to choose what’s on it. Anyway. Mizu, a blue-eyed, half-white orphaned woman, has literally cut her way through the toughest warriors Edo era Japan has to offer. And she’s about to get her revenge on 1 of the 4 men who might be her father: Irish born gun smuggler, Abijah Fowler. Fowler has a fearsome reputation himself, and hasn’t made it easy for her. Initially he stabs her, but like a true demon, she gets up, setting fire to the room. Fowler, for the first time, shows genuine fear as he turns to face her.

Jesse B Writes

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Category: unhinged rants